Nalora

Letting Go of Resentments

In Deep Thoughts, Faith on March 13, 2016 at 5:13 am

Three times in the past few months I have been confronted full force with the selfish ugliness of human beings. These were not merely passing insults or minor annoyances, but faith shaking, mind-boggling betrayals of trust and love. Every day my first prayers have been to have forgiveness in my heart and to remove any resentment I feel. But I weep. I weep bitterly over them. My mind goes over and over them in some vain attempt to understand them, but I can make no sense of them, and the pain returns every day.

I hate ruminating over past hurts. It is a waste of time, and I know it. Maybe these hurts are still too close and fresh and unhealed.  I had resolved never to speak of it in the open, never to write about it, because it may come off as vindictive and petty and I should just get over it, and I know in time I will, but I also know that these 3 events were life changing—relationship changing events that tore out pieces of me and left large wounds.  How much can I say honestly without wounding many others?  My standard way of dealing with things like this that confuse me is to write it down, analyze it, find my own fault or blame in it, and vow to change what I can in myself, which is all I can do really to remedy the situation.  But the resentment and anger remain and haunts me.

Anger. It has always been my greatest sin.

I am generally a very direct person. Some say I am blunt. I am not passive aggressive. You know if I am angry at you. You never need ask. I take responsibility for my actions and admit my wrongs. But I find myself writing this in a passive voice, skirting around things, protecting those who, in truth, I do not believe have really earned any protection from me. In fact they deserve to be exposed for the evil they are. Evil.  Strong word. But after some time of analyzing their actions I can see it no other word that truly describes their actions.  Thoughtless. Cruel. Selfish. Are these not evil?

What would it change if they were all exposed? How much of my own analysis of the situations are tainted by my own overwhelming sense of hurt and betrayal? How do I let go of the resentment?

I pray.

I pray everyday. Lord Jesus, take this anger from me and replace it with your Peace. Let me be an instrument of your peace. Remove all hatred from me. Holy Spirit, fill me. Use me as a blessing. Guide my words and my thoughts. Eternal Father, let me be an example of your love. Soften the hearts of those who have injured me, and allow them to see their own errors. Give me a forgiving heart. Free me of all anger.

 

 

 

 

 

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