From the moment I was told that I was going to die this year, and probably quite soon, the world changed. I changed. But it was not in a way that most would expect. This shall probably be the hardest thing to convey or explain because it is indeed : convoluted.
Every single moment is a blessing.
Every single moment is a surprising revelation.
I have always been a troubled soul. I have never felt worthwhile, loved, or even redeemable. I have suffered for years from deep depressions and a sense of utter failure as a human being. I have had to fight suicide ideation that never leaves me. People who suffer from depression as I have all my life cannot explain it to others, and usually try all kinds of remedies to rid themselves of it to little or no relief. I identified my own “cause” for my permanent depressive state, and perhaps others may recognize it. I am a romantic thinker. I see the world as it should be, could be, and it is not like that. It has gone horribly wrong. It is MacArthur Park. It could be heaven on earth. But it went wrong. I cannot fix it. I cannot tell people it could be all right if only…..if only…..because most are realistic thinkers and think me a fool for dreaming.
My cure was to cling to any small joy. Any “rightness” I experienced so that it would keep the dark shadows at bay. This was at times the only thing that kept me alive.
The first blessing was that I was no longer depressed. For the first time in my life I felt complete peace of mind and happiness. I was immediately relieved of any suicidal thoughts. Seems logical of course, God has that covered, I am going to die, no need to pull out the gun and bump myself off. But that was not it. It was that those two horrendous, endlessly cycling problems in my head went poof in an instant. This was no small thing. For the first time in my life I got to feel like what it is like to be me without the depression, without the nagging thought to take my own life. It was monumental and instantly freeing. I had always wanted just 5 minutes of peace from these thoughts. Now I was given months of this happiness. What….a …..blessing. What a gift!!! I will gladly suffer physical pain to have a brain that loves this planet and the people in it and all its beauty!
This was the first of many convoluted blessings that have occurred over these few past weeks since I learned I am going to die.
The second was learning people love me. Seems simple huh? Not so much. I have never felt loved, truly, nor even known. I hide so much of me because I think of myself as an oddity–an outcast. I have always felt outside looking in. Surely I have had people who I thought love me, but thinking and knowing are two different things. But again one of the first blessings God gave me in this was to be wrapped up in a blanket of warm and glorious love showered on me suddenly by family and friends, that I could no longer deny that by gosh by golly….I am loved. I was gobsmacked.
The third blessing was learning I had made a difference. I had harangued and ruminated and worried for years that I was so very blessed by God with so many talents and yet I have done nothing with them. What a waste I was. What a disappointment. I sat on my behind and let the talents grow dust. How could I face a God who gave me so much and that I just squandered it all?
But then people began calling me and thanking me, and again I was just….shocked. And I realized that I actually did use my talents, or more so….God used them for HIS purposes in ways that I did not see or know, the silly things I thought were important, the talents I thought I had wasted were just used in ways I had never thought of. Again….what a Gift to know this!
I will share more of this in the coming days, until my brain no longer lets me use language, since that will eventually happen given where the tumor is, but right now It is the happiest time of my life.